Our Shadow Side

Screen Shot 2013-09-30 at 11.15.46 PMWhatever parts of ourselves we try to get rid of in our personality, life will bring to us—in the form of people who are exactly like those parts we deny—our shadow side. We will meet people who carry our shadow side and each time we do, these people will be a challenge for us. We will either be strong­ly attracted, or strongly repelled, or some combination of the two. Our partner is usually the one to project our shadow side back to us to help us transform. This doesn’t happen immediately, of course, but usually after about eighteen months or so. If our partner is not destined to help us transform through the shadow, then usually it will be one of our difficult children who will do so. If this does not happen in the home life, then you can be sure there will be someone at work who will project to us our own shadow side.

The shadow, or these repressed aspects, sometimes called sub-personalities or selves) are like mis­siles, aimed at us by the intelligence that created us, and they always find their mark; there is no escaping them. There is just the challenge to learn that lesson, to integrate it, then move on to the next experience. Bit by painful bit we can overcome the shadow, or the repressed aspects that are a part of us.

We need to realize that whatever we deny is what we attract. This is the basic law of relationship. We will be moved by spirit in a particular direction and “fall in love” with someone who has the capability to push us to complete ourselves, to become all that we can become in this lifetime. They are not consciously aware of this, it works at the soul level, and that level senses what we are missing and then pushes (or pulls) us to fill the vacu­um. What we are missing is what we have denied or pushed down into the dark depths of the psyche. If you can think of relationship as the vehicle for completing yourself, then you will see each of the people who carry aspects of your shadow, as your teachers.

Until you become aware of this basic law of the psyche, you will usually see the shadow or your denied aspects as the enemy, and there will be times when they will cause you much pain. A great deal of the pain that people experience in relationship is based on the fact that they have no understanding that they are carrying each other’s shadow side, and mirroring it back to the other person. This is true in all relationships. At first, you may find the shadow irresistible when you see it in your partner, and then, after a while, you will usually find it impossible to live with, because it really pushes your buttons, simply because you don’t understand that it is really that part of yourself that you need to look at.

The people in your life who carry aspects of your shadow are your teachers, giving you an opportunity to bring your shadow into the light. When you realize this, life and relationships look different. This is true of everybody in your life, not only your partner, but it is usually your primary relationship that carries the biggest charge. These apparently irreconcilable differences in relationships, mirrored back to you by your partner, are opportunities for the greatest personal growth. Your current personality does not like what it sees in the mirroring process, because it can get very painful, but as you learn to make use of the larger perspective that contains opportunities for soul growth and transformation, then you will begin to see the world through different eyes.  You begin to see the value of your shadow side that your partner carries, and projects back to you.  You get a sense of what you have pushed down and denied. As you reclaim those denied aspects of yourself, you will begin to transform and usually reclaim your relationship. The partner who caused you so much pain before, suddenly begins to look just fine again, and your relationship is able to move forward on a higher level.





canstockphoto13816906Transformation and transmutation are necessary if we are to move forward and function as a different species. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you may have shut yourself off many times and you may not even notice the emotional pain you are now putting yourself through.  And because of all the issues that have been pushed down and shut off, you attract those situations into your life to help you resolve them now. Energy will not be repressed; it must express itself and it does this by projecting onto the nearest person who can mirror it back to you, which is usually your partner. It can also happen with your business associates, friends and children. In other words, your shadow side projects itself onto a person who will mirror it back to you to make you look at those issues that you have repressed. Of course you’ll hate this process—everyone does until they realize exactly what is going on.

Sometimes when you know you should take a leap forward in your life…and you won’t…or you can’t, a higher source will step in and take over. And you will complain that fate has dished up this or that unpleasant experience for you, and you will ask “Why me?” or “Why are you doing this to me?”

If you haven’t achieved a relative degree of self-mastery or refuse to look at those things that are presented to you, either through the opportunities or coincidences in your life, fate will step in and be your teacher. No one is allowed to stagnate for too long.

Maybe you’re in a job that is not suiting your higher purpose, and you know you should be looking elsewhere; but it’s comfortable, the pay is good, so you stay…until one day the boss calls you in and tells you that you’re fired. Or, you’re in a relationship that’s just not working, but you stay because it’s convenient, until one day your partner tells you they’ve found somebody else. Fate steps in and forces you to take the next step forward to help you change because you can’t do it yourself. Fate can also allow a serious illness to shake you up. That really makes you take stock of your life and you are forced to change and then its scary because you have to confront issues that you’ve pushed down deep into your sub-conscious mind; you’ve ignored all the opportunities that have been placed in front of you to help you…and now you’re being forced to look.  How many times have you heard of people overcoming a serious illness and then taking up something or doing something that they never would have done if they hadn’t got sick?

We don’t like change. We like to sit with our habit patterns, it feels comfortable but it also leads to stagnation. The only thing permanent in this universe is change. The purpose of negative experiences is to disturb, disrupt and to destroy so change can promote further growth. Think about the renovation of an old building for a moment. Wallpaper is ripped off, the insides are pulled out etc. Everything is replaced until not much of the old is recognized. But look at the new structure, it looks fabulous. And so, it is the same with us. We don’t like the process of transmutation, the changes hurt, but they are sometimes necessary to allow us to get to the next level, and those beings that oversee humanity assist as much as they are able without taking the necessary lessons away. When I look back on my life, I find that the times of greatest personal growth happened through the periods of greatest crisis.



vitruvian manAlways remain positive in any relationship you have. You really have to remember that you can’t change your partner, but…your partner will change and respond differently as you are able to change. This is a very powerful emotional experience and may lead to personal transformation especially if you are able to release your shadow side.

Please remember that energy will not be repressed. If it is not expressed, it will project out of the personality and use your partner as a mirror to show you what areas of your life you need to clear up. Those things we do not like in another are usually the very things we ourselves need to clear up in our own lives. This leads to transformation.

If you are experiencing difficulty in your relationship, you will need to be patient as you work you way through, especially if you are carrying a lot of emotional conditioning or habit patterns that are difficult to eradicate. So, take it step by step, even hour by hour, day by day, until the days turn into weeks and the weeks into months and the months into years of personal happiness. You have to work at a relationship, the same as you have to work at anything else to get it to operate as it should.

One partner may begin to feel more emotion than the other, initially.  This is OK because you have unconsciously erected barriers around your emotional body for protection, and when these barriers start to crumble, you will find yourself getting in touch with those emotions that you have buried deep inside, such as anger, guilt, blame, fear, hurt, insecurity, disappointment, intolerance, vulnerability and so on.

When this happens, give yourself permission to feel the emotion surfacing; really feel the emotion, wallow in it, cry, beat a pillow, or whatever seems appropriate at the time to release the blockage. Then, when you have passed through that stage and released the emotion, if you sit quietly, you will feel the energy behind the emotion and realize that all energy passes through you continually. It is only when you hold onto it or repress it that you become sick or experience pain.

Try not to personalize the energy by saying “I am angry.” That way you become one with the anger and it is difficult to move it out. But say rather, “This is anger passing through me, I am not going to hold onto it and repress it, I shall express it and then let it go.” Now you have separated it, you can make a decision about what you will do. You and emotion are not one; emotions merely pass through you once you decide to let that happen. Emotion is energy in motion—block it or let it bank up by repressing it—and you’ll get sick.

It would be helpful to remember that emotions are something you do, not something that just happens to you. If that were the case, emotions would control you and you would end up as some kind of unaware receptacle for whatever emotion decided to move through you. No other person can make you angry or sad or sick. It is the way you emotionally respond to the action of another person that causes you to say “You make me angry!” or “You hurt me!” The other person has done nothing except trigger a response from the energy patterns you are carrying inside. If there was no hurt inside you, the action could not provoke a hurt response, it would merely provoke a feeling of compassion.

So, when someone upsets you, the correct response should be:

1. Express your feelings, e.g. “I am feeling…………”

2. Don’t blame the other person just because they have pushed one

of your emotional buttons.

3. Take responsibility for your own feelings.

e.g. Not……….”You make me angry!” but “I get angry when………”

This way you will experience emotional clearing along the way and have a better relationship as a result, because you will be going through a transformation.

Variety is the Spice of Life

Spain (176)There is nothing quite like giving your partner a surprise. If you regularly eat out of a Saturday evening, and your partner is expecting to go to the usual restaurant, why not plan a surprise visit to somewhere else instead, somewhere that you know your partner will immensely enjoy; remember variety is the spice of life! Perhaps your mate loves a certain concert artist. Why not purchase the best tickets available when you know the artist will be performing in your city? When your usual restaurant evening comes up, offer to drive instead to give your partner a break. Of course when you head off in the wrong direction, your mate will want to know what’s going on. Simply answer that you have arranged a special surprise. The very fact that you arranged something they like will really touch them and allow you to bond even closer especially if there has been some distancing in the relationship.

Always remain positive and remember that you can’t change your partner, but…your partner will change and respond differently as you are able to change. There is an old adage that says: “Whatever you are prepared to give, you will receive tenfold.” So be prepared to break the emotional chains that bind you, to free you to experience your highest good; and as you learn to give more of yourself, you will find yourself receiving more, much, much more.

If you feel you can’t express your true feelings and aspirations for fear of upsetting other people, and hold everything inside you, your dreams won’t materialize. Here, you will learn some tips on how to shift the unconscious elements that are holding you back. There is a name for this kind of activity today, it’s called personal growth and transformation. I hope these small hints and tips assist you on your journey through personal growth to your own transformation if you are indeed in a difficult relationship.