A lot of people are writing to me wanting to know about partnerships and marriage. So I have decided to post something here every day that may be of assistance. Marriage is certainly different to what it was fifty years ago. When I look around in today’s modern world, all I see are marriages and partnerships falling apart. It is no wonder that many are avoiding the traditional marriage, and opting for something different, although deep down, everyone still seems to be searching for that “special one—that soul mate”.
Many relationships are faced with challenges and other obstacles that seem too hard to deal with. So many people just quit trying to understand what went wrong and simply give up, often finding themselves out in the rat race of the dating game once again. Dating is getting more and more like ‘pass the parcel’, trying to date as many people as possible in an attempt to find the ‘right one’, instead of taking the time to get to know someone a little better, and letting the relationship move to a deeper level where the soul qualities reside.
The truth of the matter is that relationships, whether dating or married, are hard. Things do not always work out as we want them to, arguments do occur, and whether you believe it or not, it does take 100% commitment from both parties to make the relationship a success.
When there is a relationship split, one or both parties feel different. The magic that once was there, no longer exists. And someone is always left wondering “Why? What went wrong?” If one person initiates the break, the other person usually suffers a ‘psychic bleed’. That means the cord that was attached through the emotional centre has been cut. This is why some people feel pain around the solar plexus centre, and can’t eat.
Of course, it is possible to enjoy a healthy, and long-lasting relationship. So what secrets do the people who have them possess? Relationships are like any other professional job. The more you work at it, the more you begin to enjoy it because it gives you satisfaction. So what happens at work when a problem arises? Do you say to the boss: “Aww, this is too hard, I’m out of here!” Obviously not if you want to keep your job! You work at the problem until you solve it, and it makes you feel good that you were able to achieve something. The same is true in any relationship.
So, the answer is to communicate about any problems that occur, and solve them straight away instead of letting resentment or anger build up and undermine the relationship.
Everyone knows the magic of those “warm and fuzzy” feelings wears off a relationship after about eighteen months or so. But it need not. You can make a decision to let “being in love” with someone turn into “loving” someone.
Loving someone means you become best friends as well as lovers. It means you begin to resonate with the other person on all four levels, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. If, when you married, you were only resonant on the physical and emotional levels, it means you have to study a little, pick up your game, open your mind and become interested in other things; this is what makes it work. If you were resonant on the mental and spiritual levels, it probably means you will experience emotions you were unaware of before, or there may be physical difficulties in the relationship. These things may not become apparent for many years, and one partner may begin to back away from the relationship, finding it unsatisfactory, but afraid of telling the other partner why.
Now to have a true marriage, you need to be compatible and resonant with your partner on all four levels. If you remain resonant on only two or three levels, you do not have a true marriage, you have a living arrangement. True marriage is not represented by a piece of paper signed and dated in front of witnesses. That is a man made thing. There are some couples living together who have never taken formal man made vows, who have made their own vows to one another, and who are compatible on all four levels. In the eyes of some institutions they are not considered married, but they are more married in the true sense of the word than some living in the sham of a so-called modern day marriage.
There are hundreds of things you can do to better your relationship. One of the first is to understand the temperament of your partner, and I’ll give you hints and tips on this aspect after we get through some of the more basic things that can help restore your relationship.
Watch out for tomorrows post on ‘Beginning Again’.